Re-branding Feedback

Tamra Chandler and Laura Dowling Grealish's book: Feedback (and Other Dirty Words): Why We Fear It, How to Fix It

What does feedback mean for you? Is it fuel or fearful - not for the fainthearted?

For most of us when we hear the word feedback our heart rate raises, butterflies suddenly appear in our bellies, we start to panic and move into the fight, flight or freeze mode (I personally opt for flight or freeze mode usually). We may hear lots of positive things during a review meeting or personal development conversation but the only thing we will remember is the one negative or critical piece of information. This is what we will stew over later that day, week, month or even year. We will debate it and contest it. We may blatantly disregard it and never properly process it or if we can take a step back and appreciate it for what it is, we can decide to accept or reject it but either way we will learn from it.

Feedback is something I have always struggled with. My experience of it was scary and upsetting and something to be avoided at all costs. Negative feedback that was... It didn't connect with me for a long time that positive encouragement and reinforcement was also a form of feedback. Without being fully aware of it, each piece of negative feedback I have received in life has driven me forward. My deep competitive nature would kick in and I would set about proving the person wrong and ensure I never get that feedback again. I would feel anger and resentment towards the giver rather than trying to understand the why behind what was being said and seeing it as a gift.

Feedback - the unseen gift

In my early career I got a piece of feedback which confused me completely. I was 23 years old, straight out of college and this was my first performance review. I was thrilled to get the chance to give my own feedback. Where most people dreaded performance reviews I couldn't wait to have mine. I was honest and straight about my feedback to my boss about the good and bad in my job and performance. So much so that my boss started by thanking me for my honesty in a way that said I was probably the only one who had actually filled it out this way.

The feedback was this - I had "too much initiative". Too much initiative? What did that even mean? I don't recall getting anything more specific than that and for me what I heard was that this was a problem, this was something I was doing wrong and I needed to stop it. But the confusion came from the word initiative, wasn't this a good thing? This was my dream job, which I had worked my backside off to get after college and I was busting myself to do a good job and prove my worth. I couldn't connect this feedback with how I felt I was performing. And it didn't connect with general feedback from my peers that I was doing a great job. What did it mean to have too much of something that should be a positive thing?

From there my job started to change, I was getting less responsibility with each new project I was assigned. I felt like I was going backwards. I went from absolutely loving my job to being totally confused, I no longer knew my place, my role or my worth in the company. I suddenly felt I was no good at the job. I started to hate going to work everyday and I questioned why I was there anymore or what I was bringing to it. It was heartbreaking for me and in the end I left.

Only recently I have started to understand what this feedback actually meant and how if handled differently perhaps the outcome could have been much different. I realised that what my boss was trying to tell me at the time was that I was impulsive, enthusiastic and sometimes didn't look before I leapt and so was making silly mistakes. What happened after was their attempt to help me slow down so I could learn but this was never explained to me and all I saw was demotion. But I was 23, arrogant and inexperienced so I upped and left without truly questioning the why behind this feedback.

What I missed back then was that this feedback was a gift. It has proven to be one of the most powerful pieces of feedback I have received and I now refer back to it regularly in my life to ensure I stay focused and grounded. But at the time I couldn't understand or connect this feedback with an action for learning and so the impact was lost on my younger self.

When feedback is vague or sweeping and without example or actionable learning, it is almost guaranteed that the message will not be received as intended and the receiver will be angry and defensive and confused, resulting in a disengaged and disgruntled employee.

In the book Tamra and Laura have redefined the word feedback as follows:

The feedback I received all those years ago was not specific or backed up with any scenarios or examples where I had showed "too much initiative" or what impact this excess of initiative had. There was nothing for me to link this feedback to and so all I heard was something negative followed by a pairing back of my roles and responsibilities. A role where I felt I had been excelling in up until that point. It is a prime example of how a single piece of badly delivered feedback can result in a disengaged and unhappy colleague and ultimately my leaving was the price which I and the company paid for it.

"Taming the feedback beast"

In their book the authors talk about taming the feedback beast, approaching it in a novel way and creating a movement of change around the concept of feedback. The essence is building trust over time so you can become a giver and seeker of feedback without fear and with the full intention of helping others and yourself improve, grow or advance.

The authors mention the 5:1 Gottman ratio as a way of illustrating how trust can be built in a working relationship. This ratio was devised after years of research into happy and unhappy couples by John & Julie Gottman, where they concluded that for every one negative interaction between two people, there must be five positive interactions to offset the negative one. Gottman's research was around couples but the authors use this theory and apply it to working relationships as a successful strategy for building trust. These interactions don't mean you come up with 5 positive things to say in a difficult conversation to offset a negative piece of feedback you want to give. These interactions could be in the form of telling your colleague they did a good job on a call with a client that day. It could be a friendly coffee conversation at break or sharing a personal story allowing them into your human and vulnerable side. Each of these genuine positive interactions build up a strong trusting bond between two people. The culmination of these interactions builds a safe environment so that on the occasion that you do have to provide a piece of critical feedback there is enough trust in your working relationship to ensure the negative feedback lands in the intended way. Providing fair, focused and frequent feedback that has the genuine intent for helping an individual grow can be a very powerful tool in building successful people, teams and cultures.

Imagine

"Your business will only rise to the level of your people...people are the only true assets. In real terms that means that business performance is directly correlated with the performance of the team and the individuals in it."

Tamra and Laura speak of creating a movement, of imagining a world with a new brand of feedback which will engage teams, drive individual performance and enhance company performance. Where the fear and anxiety is put behind us and by using the tips, tricks and tools laid out in this book, help create a more trusting relationships where feedback can flourish and people can thrive.

So like Tamra and Laura, I invite you to unlearn the traditional role as feedback "knower" and "giver" and become an "explorer" and "learner". Explore the many ways in which this book illustrates how to more successfully give, seek and receive feedback. Be inspired! And see if you can make a difference in your's and other's lives through building trusting relationships where feedback is seen as the fuel for growth that it is intended to be.