Why Women don't ask!

Inspired by "Women Don't Ask - Negotiation and the Gender Divide", Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever.

Society and upbringing form our behavioural expectations around gender. From the moment we are born the parenting we receive, the societal norms we become part of shape these expectations. We live them and we feed them but we can disrupt them. In life, in work and in society we are each expected to behave in certain ways and when we step out of these expectations this can be met with distrust and criticism. "Research has shown that both conscious and subconscious biases contribute to this problem."

I recently read a book by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever called "Women don't ask". A call to arms for all women and men to recognise and understand the ways in which our culture, upbringing, and expectations continue to drive the gender divide that exists today. Recommended to me by Fiona Buckley, a strong advocate for women's leadership and a great inspiration for me, she wanted to open my mind to the confidence that can be gained from learning how to ask and negotiate for what you want and what you deserve. Now having read it, I too believe it is a book that everybody should read. Forbes magazine even included Women Don’t Ask in its list of “The 75 Smartest Books We Know” (needless to say I am feeling much smarter now I have read it).

In the book Linda and Sara talk about how as females we expect the world to be fair and that our hard work will be fairly acknowledged and rewarded. Expecting that the recognition of our achievements and successes will be driven primarily by other people and not by ourselves. We don't believe we should need to ask for what we deserve, we believe this should be obvious from the work we do. Of course, this is not to say all women are built this way or that it is only women. I know of strong bright men who would also attest to never feeling in a position to ask or will wait for things to come their way rather than actively seeking them out.

Disrupting the norms

"The best gender equality intervention is to focus on equality of talent and potential — and that only happens when we have gender-equal leadership to enable men to learn different leadership approaches from women as much as women have always been told to learn leadership approaches from men."

Even since this book was first written it is clear the ever growing number of female leaders taking front and centre on the world stage. Leaders like Jacinda Ardern, Angela Merkel and most recently Kamala Harris, leading the charge for the rest of us, paving the way for us to follow and to be inspired by. The growth of female leaders in the world is ensuring that a diversity of thought and approach is entering all parts of life and work. This has a positive impact in both helping to reduce the gender gap and also in influencing the way in which we lead, bringing with them new leadership styles for all to benefit from, regardless of gender. It is disrupting the pattern of societal norms on how we are expected to behave.

Even with these inspirational leaders we all need to be aware of the millions of women in the world who are not there yet. Now more than ever is the time for disruption, time for a tipping point to tip the scales in the direction of gender equality. In March Time Magazine estimated that over the last 12 months with the impact of Covid-19, it will take an estimated 36 years longer to close the gender gap which exists in the world, putting the overall estimate at 135 years until we reach gender parity. If I can inspire you to make one small change, perhaps it can be through the power of asking and negotiating for what you want.

From my perspective

When I began reading this book I found I immediately related to each story. Tales of women who didn't ask for what they wanted, didn't know to ask, or didn't feel entitled or deserving enough to ask. Often settling for far less than they were worth. Stories that crossed over both work life and home life, over continents and oceans, with no distinct pattern in age, race, education levels or cultural status. The one common factor being gender.

"When Linda Babcock asked why so many male graduate students were teaching their own courses and most female students were assigned as assistants, her dean said: “More men ask. The women just don’t ask.”"

Over the course of the first few chapters I could feel a deep anger rising within me. Each story I heard felt so familiar. My memory was tracking back over a lifetime of not asking, going out of my way to avoid asking, not knowing if I could ask, or not feeling in any way entitled or deserving enough to ask. It even brought me back to a time I convinced a boss that I wasn't good enough for a job I was doing and that he should let me go...

Memories of the missed opportunities and the times I undervalued myself completely. And what was worse, it dawned on me that now, in my late 30's, I was still doing this.

Be part of the disruption

So, I ask you, do you find yourself avoiding asking for what you want?

Do you ask for help with the housework at home or do you stew internally wondering why no one is offering to help? Do you ask for another steak in a restaurant when it comes out overcooked or do you suffer through and say it was lovely at the end while handing over your €30 for the pleasure (perhaps that is just an Irish culture thing)? Do you ask for the promotion in work or wait for it to come to you? Do you negotiate the price of the car you want to buy or do you settle for the price tag? Do you actively avoid asking for fear of conflict or embarrassment or the rejection you might receive?

If you can relate to any or all the above or know someone else who does, I would urge you to be inspired by my article and this book. Even if it impacts only one aspect of your life it will be worth the read. If you want to help close the gender gap in your society, in work or at home, this book will illuminate the ways in which women think and approach asking (or avoid it altogether) and it will help build more understanding and empathy and perhaps open up new ways in which we can bring each other into the fold and allow everyone the opportunity of a safe space to ask, be heard and thrive.

This book has had such a profound impact on me in 2021, a year where the lack of contact with people has sapped my energy and left me unsure of my own purpose and worth. It has made me rethink my values, how I see myself and it has made me question each interaction I have to ensure I am not undervaluing myself and also that I am not undervaluing others, regardless of gender. It has allowed me to see how I can own my own success in life by simply knowing and asking for what I want.

So, for my part in the disruption, I have made a pact with myself; to continue asking for what I want. To ensure I have clarity and purpose in what I am asking for and endeavour to really see my potential, my capabilities, my worth and what I want, so that when I do ask, I don't have to work on convincing myself first. I will make the path ahead one I have paved myself, for me and one that puts me in the best position to have an impact, to stay true to my values and be the best version of myself in everything I do. When you love what you do this spills into everything you touch, your family and friends, your work, your colleagues and life in general.

And I want to spread the word about this book, pay the favour forward and inspire others to read it too. :)

Reaping the rewards of asking

I am only starting on this journey and I am so excited to see how I can use this learning to drive future success in everything I do!! Even in the short time since reading this book I have made some changes which have come about from asking for what I want. Even when I thought there was no hope of getting what I wanted, I still asked. I suffered the fear before asking, drove myself mad wanting to ask but yet still holding back. Driven by the inspiration I had after reading this book, I felt I owed it to myself, to this book and to all the women in this book, to ask. If I didn't ask it would all have been for nothing. And in the end, I reaped the rewards from having taken that leap and asking for what I wanted.

The pride [and buzz] I felt after asking for what I wanted was so immense that I realised the ultimate reward for me was the act of asking, the outcome became second to that, a bonus.

Be Inspired

I would love if this story inspires others so let me know when you read this book and if you find yourself inspired too! And share your story with others to help drive the disruption on...