Writing to heal

Inspired by https://hbr.org/2021/07/writing-can-help-us-heal-from-trauma

In January 2021 my Granny died after contracting Covid-19.

My Granny, Maura Toale, died aged 90 surrounded by 3 of her 8 children, each dressed head to toe in PPE gear. She had been a constant throughout my life and I had always dreaded this day coming. In the end it seemed entirely surreal. Her death hit me in a strange way, on one hand I was accepting of it, she had lived a long life and we all had so many wonderful memories of her to cherish. On the other I was devastated she had passed away. What I didn't expect was the sudden realisation that I had been waiting to mourn her for a long time and that I had lost my Granny years before, when the dementia had taken her from us. This realisation hit me like a wave and I had no idea how to process it.

From the minute Covid arrived she was the main person in my life I did not want it to touch. It took till the third wave in Ireland before her nursing home had their first case of Covid which turned into a full ward being touched by the virus. Of 18 people in her ward, 2 died, my Granny being one of the two. The two strongest fell as they were ironically strong enough to refuse food and water once they lost their sense of smell and taste. She sadly passed away from dehydration and we believe loneliness from being isolated for weeks while they quarantined the whole ward. She didn't die from the usual Covid symptoms we hear about in the news. There was no ventilator, no cough, no lack of oxygen, no drama, just simply no water passed her lips in enough days and she slipped into a quiet morphine induced slumber until she took her final breath.

...what may be difficult to express out loud can be readily given voice through writing.

We have each been touched by trauma over the last 18 months, whether it is from the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a company, an industry. The loss of our freedom and the normal that we never felt could be taken from us, especially not overnight. No matter how this pandemic has affected us we have each experienced a trauma and we need to find a way to help process this grief and heal from it. For me writing has been my healer. My Granny was the final straw in a long line of traumas which needed to be processed and I used expressive writing to heal over the last 6 months and continue to do so.

I have never been someone who wrote or was inclined to write but when Granny passed away I suddenly couldn't sleep at night, my brain was going a hundred miles an hour thinking about a million different things. I was trying to process grief for so many things and was struggling to get a handle on any of it. I felt numb but also on fire. I needed to find a way to process my thoughts. I turned to my journal and started to put these thoughts, the ones that were doing circles in my head, into words on a page. I was writing without thinking, some nights I would write about my kids, some nights about work, other nights about my Granny, but mostly whatever was on my mind that was keeping me awake. The more regularly I wrote each night the more I could relax and I started to enjoy the process. Mulling over thoughts, writing about what I was feeling, with no plan. It was so freeing. And I found that after a short burst of writing it would allow me to turn off the light and go to sleep soundly.

No matter what boat we’ve oared on this uneven sea, to avoid processing what we’ve been through is to minimize the impact of one of the most profound global crises of our lives. Healing is essential to our collective wellness, and expressive writing has already proven to be a tool for enhancing well-being.

As time passed my writing started to evolve. I started to turn my writing into goals and objectives, I delved into what made me tick, what drove me, and what frustrated me. After reading the book "The Confidence Gap", I started to explore what my values were, what my purpose was and what I was really passionate about. I started to read books and articles about things that inspired me, I started listening to podcasts that opened a whole new world of work and people to me, it was so exciting and I suddenly felt like I had been living under a rock for years and was finally finding a conversation I wanted to be part of. What started out as a process of healing after a major trauma in my life had led to an awakening in me and lit a fire in my belly that I had not expected. I felt I needed to write for real, not just in a journal but in a format that was structured and purposeful with the hope that I might pass the inspiration I was gaining onto others. And so my blog and the concept of "Inspired by..." was born.

Inspired by... is the culmination of many things, and the product of a series of events sparked by something totally out of my control. It has become a platform in which I have been able to put words to thoughts and stories to experiences. It has been healing and enlightening. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and into a realm of possibility where before I would have happily hidden under a rock rather than say what I really felt. But now with each little step I take and each new article I write, it is bringing me closer to where I have always felt I should be, but didn't know how to get there. For once I can see what stepping out of the comfort zone can achieve. I owe my new found ambition to finding writing and using expressive writing to process thoughts and emotions that would usually have held me back.

And I am happier and healthier for it.

A certain kind of guided, detailed writing can not only help us process what we’ve been through and assist us as we envision a path forward; it can lower our blood pressure, strengthen our immune systems, and increase our general well-being. Expressive writing can result in a reduction in stress, anxiety, and depression; improve our sleep and performance; and bring us greater focus and clarity.

My journal has continued in the background, as a place to be expressive, to write from the heart, to heal from the daily worries and thoughts so they can be processed and left on the pages and not in my head. So I can go to sleep at night and start the next day continuing to be my authentic self and to carry on this path I have set for myself. To enjoy the journey of daily life and to mark each small step and note when something is bringing me closer to where I want to be or taking me further away. I have learned that life is a marathon and one with a beautiful view that if you stop to take a look you can truly appreciate it.

When I feel I am falling away from my path and the demons are coming back in to try to sabotage my progress I write the following to keep me going (stolen from my sister in law, and added to for my own purpose ;) ):

Remember why you started.

Remember how you started.

Keep going, it is working!

It is a mantra to keep me writing and taking those steps forward each day. My Granny was a fighter to her last days, yet she always had a twinkle of fun and mischief in her eyes. In what I knew of her and the stories I have heard about her life before I knew her she was someone to be admired and revered, and she was a great women for having the craic. I aim to embody her strength and be fierce like her and carry on her flame within me. Through the confidence I have gained this year in writing and the knowledge I now have that I can write, I know I need to continue to write and speak about what I love and am passionate about so I can thrive and in turn I can hopefully have a positive impact on others too.

What started out as a process of healing after a major trauma in my life has led to an awakening in me and has lit a fire in my belly that I had not expected.